Birthday

Today is my 54th birthday.

Ron and I spent many months not knowing when or if he was going to receive a new liver.  End Stage Liver Disease, that's exactly what it is - the end; you know I can't get over that.  I don't know how long I'll have to talk about almost losing Ron - but I have to - I guess although I was well aware and fighting and caring for him; the deep emotional part of me was in total denial.

Moments of pure panicked clarity rang in my ears, and I went through the scenarios of 'what ifs'; I think it was subconsious self preservation.  I tried to picture my life without Ron; it was a hazy picture, it was a surreal picture.

I went through all those stages - you know - those stages: fear, anger, denial....blah, blah, blah - it was like riding a monsterous rollercoaster, in the dark, in the rain, and alone.  I went through these emotions (and still do) more often than not.

So you wonder why now - I mean, shouldn't I be happy about Ron's transplant?  I am thrilled and grateful - but something quiet inside - whispers reminders of the loss that could have befallen me and our family.  It's wrapped tightly around me, like a second skin - I want to shed it, to rip it away, to wish it away, pray it away - but as if it has a life of it's own - it won't leave me - it's not time yet.

So today is my birthday and we shared one more special 'today' - 'together'.

On that note - goodnight my friends.